Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Happy IVGLDSW Day!
Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description.
fun for older people

Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman!  And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming 'WOOO HOOOOO what a ride!'  
To the Girls !!  

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. 
  ~ Cora Harvey Armstrong ~  

fun for older people
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out..   But I can usually shut her up with cookies. 
    ~ Unknown~

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.     ~ Helen Hayes (at 73)~  

I refuse to think of them as chin hair.  I think of them as stray eyebrows.       ~ Janette Barber~  


Old age ain't no place for sissies. 
   ~Bette Davis~  


Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.       ~ Caryn Leschen ~   

If you can't be a good example ~ then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.   


I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.  (This is my personal favorite)
    ~Roseanne Barr~  

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman 
  ~Maryon Pearson~
  fun for older people

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.   
   ~Eleanor Roosevelt~
Send this to five bright women you know and make their day.  (Five!!! You've got to be kidding.... Every girl on my email list just got this one...)

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!
fun for older people

86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:


#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old People mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.


A Few Jokes!

Never tell your wife she's lousy in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion. (Rodney Dangerfield)

I was asleep and dreaming of the old days of hot-tubs and free sex when all of a sudden the awesome reality of a firm breast in my mouth caused me to slowly rise from my slumber......turns out the rubber nose piece from my CPAP machine came off and fell int my mouth and I had been chewing on it.....

It's great to have a gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald. (Rodney Dangerfield)

I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that's why I don't eat raisins. (Zach Galifianakis)

An eighty year old man was sitting on the couch with his wife when she said to him, "Why don't you come sit close to me like you used to." So he did. After a moment she said, "Why don't you put your arm around me like you used to." He put his arm around her and held her tight. Then she said,"Why don't you nibble on my ear like you used to." The man got up and left the room. "Where are you going?" she called out. "To get my teeeth," he replied.


What the Easter bunny taught me

Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There’s no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people’s jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugar-coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors – you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
Author Unknown

Warren Buffett Plays Axl Rose In this Very Funny and well done New Geico Commercial

One reason it's good to be really OLD!

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde. She knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club were all aghast.
At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replied, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continued to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replied.
"What, did you tell her - that you were only 50?"
Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."


Best Explanation for the Theory of Intelligence!

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . .. . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers..'

Fun History Exam

NO Cheating - don't look at the answers until you take the test!!!!
History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time 
at this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap.

Thi s is a
 History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really  remember about what went on in their life.

*** Get paper & pencil & number from 1 to 20.
****Write the letter of each answer & score at the end.

Then before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line. Send to friends so everyone can HAVE FUN!!!!    
Also send it back to me.

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?

A. On the floor shift knob.
B. On the floor board, to the left of the  clutch....
C. Next to the horn.

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it.. For what was it used?

A. Capture lightning bugs.
B. To sprinkle clothes before ironing.
C. Large salt shaker.

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

A. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk.
B. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled.
C..... Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum  named  for a game of chance?

A.. Blackjack
B. Gin
C. Craps

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WW II.

A. Suntan
B. Leg painting
C. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was com ing or going?

A. Studebaker
B. Nash Metro
C. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

A . Strips of dried peanut butter.
B. Chocolate licorice bars.
C. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.

8. How was Butch wax used?

A. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up.
B. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing.
C On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust.

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

A. With clamps, tightened by a skate key.
B. Woven straps that crossed the foot.
C. Long pieces of twine.

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts.
B. Ask Mom.
C. Eeny-meeny-miney-MO.

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940s and 1950s?

A. Smallpox
C. Polio

12. 'I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey '

B. Taxi
C. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pony?

A. Old Blue
B. Paint
C Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

A. Part of the game of hide and seek.
B. What you did when your  Mom called you in to do chores.
C. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15 . What was the name of the Indian Princess in the Howdy Doody Show?
A. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
B. Princess Sacajawea
C Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

A. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high.
B. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window.
C. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure.

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

A.. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum.
B. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items.
C. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos.

18. Praise the Lord , & pass the _________?

A.. Meatballs
B. Dames
C. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song 'Cabdriver' a hit?

A. The Ink Spots
B. The Supremes
C. The  Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco ?

A. Tony Bennett
B. Xavier Cugat
C. George Gershwin

----------------------------- -------------------------------


1. (b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in  Europe  , took till the late '60's
 to catch on.

2. (b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing.. 
 Who had a steam iron?

3... (c) Cold weather caused  the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top...

4 . (a) Blackjack Gum.

5. (b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. (a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. (c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. (a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. (a) With clamps , tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10.. (c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. (c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. (b) Taxi , Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. (c) Macaroni ...

14. (c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15... (a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16.... (a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. (b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. (c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19.. (a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
20. (a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.


17- 20 correct
 : You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share your wisdom!

12 -16 correct
: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting there.

0 -11 correct
: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.

Send this to your ('old') friends with
 your score in the subject line  

Happy St. Paddy’s Day

Every day, Seamus O’Malley goes down to the pub and orders three pints.

After a number of weeks, Mickey Flynn, the proprietor asks why the three pints.

Seamus explains that his brothers Patrick and Donald have moved to  Australia and  Canada but before they left, they promised each other that they would have a symbolic pint together each day.  So each of them, heads to their local pub each day for their three pints for the three brothers.

This goes on for months.

One day, Seamus orders two pints.  Mickey is a bit concerned by says nothing.  Seamus orders two pints again the next day.

With a long face and a heavy heart, Mickey brings Seamus his two pints and tells Seamus that he is sorry for his loss.

Seamus is surprised by the message and asks Mickey to explain.

“You’re only ordering two pints.  I assumed one of your brothers died”, explained Mickey.

“Oh no. Sorry to worry you Mickey”, replies Seamus, “it’s just that the doctor told me to give up drinking”.

“But you’ve still ordered two pints” says Mickey, to which Seamus explains, “My brothers haven’t stopped drinking, only me”

Happy  St. Paddy’s Day



A golf story:

Subject: 90 years old

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25
years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten
so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He
can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
         They walk down the fairway a little ways, then Arthur asks, "Where did it go?" 

"I don't remember."


Good Egg

Good Egg

Good egg

Garage Sales


My wife came home from her Church Meeting.
She told me they were having a garage/ jumble sale in St Peter's Church Hall. It's a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. 

I said, "What are you going to take?"

She said, "I was thinking about bringing you!"



Elderly woman calls firefighters to extinguish ‘Yule Log’ image on TV

But officer, it looked so real
But officer, it looked so real
Swiss firefighters called to the home of an elderly woman who reported her TV was burning discovered the “fire” was just an image of a fireplace on the screen.
Zurich authorities said the woman, who was not named, called about flames inside her television, but when they responded, no signs of fire or smoke were found.
Instead, they discovered was the channel was set to a German station that in the early morning hours aired the constant image of a fireplace.
The fire was extinguished with the press of a button.
It sucks getting old.

"Only had one beer, Occifer"

A Polish great-grandmother is facing three years in jail for riding her bicycle drunk.

Keystyna Patycka of Kopacz was stopped by police for weaving from one side of the road to the other on her way to local shops, theRomanian Times reports.

The 75-year-old was immediately banned from riding her bike by officers after ignoring a series of private cautions. She now faces drinking and driving charges which could land her in jail for three years if found guilty.

Patycka said all she had to drink was “one bottle of beer …”

Several times a day.


Leading in Vitamins Second in Wine Purchases! - Guess Who?

Interesting From Nielson Ratings

SUMMARY: Understanding shopping and media habits at different ages can help marketers optimize critical assortment, pricing, promotion and advertising decisions by crafting targeted strategies and niche offers that reflect deal propensity, trip frequency, channel predilection, average spend and media usage.
Generation: group of contemporaries; all of the people who were born at approximately the same time, considered as a group, and especially when considered as having shared interests and attitudes.
  • Greatest Generation: born prior to 1946 (64 + years of age in 2009)
  • Boomers: 1946 – 1964 (45 to 63)
  • Gen X: 1965 – 1976 (33 to 44)
  • Millennials: 1977 – 1994 (15 to 32)

Spending Patterns
Research suggests that owning a pet can stave off loneliness and lower blood pressure. Apparently, the Greatest Generation got the message, which may account for the average $198 in annual spending among pet food buyers in these households. An analysis of a selected sample of categories where there were big differences in annual spend across the generations showed gaps between the gaps. The next largest spending categories for seniors were wine at $124 per year and vitamins at $107 per year.



What's For Sale?

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well, only two left."

Funny Easter Quotes

There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with CHOCOLATE.
Linda Grayson, "The Pickwick Papers"

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!
Lucy Van Pelt, "Peanuts"

Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won't stay there.
Clarence W. Hall

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
Fred Allen

A strangely reflective, even melancholy day. Is that because, unlike our cousins in the northern hemisphere, Easter is not associated with the energy and vitality of spring but with the more subdued spirit of autumn.
Hugh Mackay

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
Amy Sedaris 

Jokes for the Elder Generation

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance

OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted

OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part

OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted

OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history

OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver

OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures

OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate

OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world

OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest

OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last la

Will you marry me?

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was." 


There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.

Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.

"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

Cute Older Age Jokes

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

What to do???

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with 
perky b**bs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!