Friday

Pumpkin Pies and A Man's Sex Drive


I asked my wife, "Why haven't we had any pumpkin pie lately. You know it's my favourite."

She said, "There was a shortage of pumpkins this year. "



I accepted that excuse until I read the new research by Dr. Alan Hirsch, Director of Chicago's Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Center.

In a study of men ages 18 to 64, 40 aromas were tested to determine which arouses men the most. The smell of pumpkin pie topped ladies' fragrances.

"The number one odor that enhanced penile blood flow was a combination of lavender and pumpkin pie," said Hirsch.

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... Golden Years Humor Bookmark and Share

Tuesday

Wednesday

Maxine and Her iPod Fail



I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas…
The music was really,really loud,
so I timed my gas with the beat of the music…
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that
everybody was staring at me…
Then I suddenly remembered
that I was listening to my iPod.

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Maxine, Winter and Memory Loss


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Snowball Fight 2010 - 2011

Snowball Fight 2010 - 2011

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Tuesday

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart


A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow:  I give 50 liters of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!!
 

The Ant:  I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!

















  






 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  


Why are you scrolling down?  It’s your turn to say something...
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Saturday

I'm 90 Years Old and I Made Love to Two Beautiful 24 Year olds!



An old man enters a confessional and proudly exclaims, "Father, I have to tell you what happened to me last night. I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two beautiful 24-year-old women for eight hours!"

The stern priest replies, "That is a sin. I will have to give you a penance."

"Father, you can't give me a penance."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm Jewish."

The perplexed Father asks, "Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everyone!"

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Monday

365 Times a Year! That’s No Bull



I took my wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is about breeding bulls. We came up to the first pen and there is a sign that says, “This Bull mated 50 times last year.”
My wife poked me in the ribs and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”
We walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign, “This Bull mated 120 times last year.”
My wife hit me and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”
We walked a little further to a third pen with a Bull and a sign, “This Bull mated 365 times last year.”
My wife got really excited and said, “That’s once a day.” You could REALLY learn something from this one.”
I turned to my wife and replied,

“Go up and ask him if it was with the same ol’ cow.”



Read more: http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/09/365-times-a-year-thats-no-bull/#ixzz12hpU7cNJ

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Maxine and Halloween



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Ten Signs that you are too OLD for Halloween and Trick or Treating


10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balanceand fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.


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Wednesday

Little Old Lady and Her New Hat

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist. A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, “Ma’am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat.” She said, “Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!”



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Raising the Dead

 Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."Bookmark and Share

Thursday

Senior Golfers

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"




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THE ART OF FALLING APART




There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.



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I'm a Senior Citizen... Aren't I?

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
- I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?



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OVER THE HILL- Old Age poem




We're over the hill but don't feel sad
This side of the hill ain't all that bad.
So give us "five" and then a smile
To us who have been here for awhile.

With by-pass pain and mended hip
And plumbing fixtures prone to drip;
We all may seem a sorry lot,
But we rejoice for what we've got.

We have each day and what it brings
And on our pensions live like kings.
For the press that accuses what we take
To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake."

We've paid our share for unused knowledge
As the kids are now all done with college.
We complain to them about our health
As they worry about our dwindling wealth.

And though our wardrobes may be plain
We'll suffer no more labor or pain.
Now it's with cane we do our strut
And if we can't drive - we still can putt.

We're mean and tough, meet all demands,
Why, M&M's melt in our hands.
Yes, we're still here, and it does delight us
That you join our fight against arthritis.

But we ask you make a pledge today
That you'll be careful what you say.
We have to spread "Over the Hill" fear
Or we'll have those young folks over here.



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Tuesday

What's For Sale?





Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well, only two left."


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Lucky Day


A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. she did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk."

"Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came today
"fun for older people

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Tooth Fairy


Tooth Fairy

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' 


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Difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers


Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here is the answer:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just the two of them. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, Papa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single a--hole, stupid basta--, or dumb sh-- anywhere we went today!"

fun for older people


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Golfing with an Older Gentleman

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Golfing with an Older Gentleman

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Friday

Have You Ever Danced? Wisdom and Old Age Joke



An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule and headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
  • Never be arrogant.
  • Don't waste ammunition.
  • Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
  • Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
  • Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.





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Observations on Growing Older -Funny one Liners about getting Old

Observations on Growing Older

  • Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them ...but your grandchildren are perfect!
  • Going out is good. Coming home is better!
  • When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
  • When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything .... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
  • You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
  • The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
  • You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... especially golf. ~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
  • The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
  • Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
  • Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
  • You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married ... Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
  • You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
  • When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem .... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
  • You use more 4 letter words .... "what?"..."when?" ???
  • Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
  • Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M. ...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
  • You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
  • Now that your husband has retired .... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
  • You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never











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