Maxine's List of One Liners -Very Funny

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• Spring is the beginning of allergy season, and I’m allergic…to blooming idiots.
• I tried hypnosis to quit smoking. Now every time I light up I quack like a duck.
• I’m never depressed by rain. I was depressed long before it started raining.
• Time for the annual parade of goofy-looking, overblown characters filled with gas. Or as I call them, relatives.
• I’d consider hormone replacement therapy, but I’ve got a bunch of other things that need to be replaced first.
• I keep hitting “escape,” but I’m still here.
• Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
• Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To forgive him and; Patience, For his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death.
• Butt jiggle is just my little way of..Waving goodbye!
• I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
• Get hooked up to high-speed Internet. It crashes a lot faster now.
• On Labor Day, if one of my relatives sees a shadow, they all quit working for six weeks.
• Few women admit their age. . . few men act it!
• Here’s a go home remedy, Go Home. Hey. it’ll make me feel better!
• Even doctors make mistakes. Mine asked me to undress.
• I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won’t do now; Things I won’t do later; Things I’ll Never Do…
• Sometimes I send out for pizza just to see if I can figure out what new place they’ve hidden the cheese.
• I love a brisk walk breeze, especially when the leaves blow into the neighbors yard.
• I have a holiday tradition — renting a holiday feel-good movie and refusing to feel good.
• have my own phone feature: call ignoring.
• I can never remember–is it “pass a cold and spread the flu” or “pass the flu and spread a cold”?
• I tried paying my taxes with a smile. They wanted money.
• Springtime reminds me of the ex. Especially when I’m pruning out the dead wood.
• My idea of a triple is pullin’ three muscles at once.
• Trust me. Tight-fit jeans and loose-fit skin are a bad combination.
• Ever feel like you’ve had too much coffee? Me neither.
• People who use unbearably long greetings on their answering machines deserve to hear the longest, loudest burp I can give ‘em.
• Fall makes me grumpy. In that way, it reminds me of winter. And spring. And summer.
• Maybe I’ll wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow…And maybe I won’t!
• My idea of a hot romance novel is one you use for fireplace kindling.
• Why go through all the trouble of carving scary faces into pumpkins when you can just thumb through the family photo albums?
• It’s the Christmas shopping season–time for my bank balance to go south for the winter!
• Those one-shoulder tops are great if you’re too lazy to shave both armpits.
• The great thing about trading stocks on the Internet is that if you lose your shirt, you probably have another one hanging right there in your closet.
• I have to take so many vitamin supplements now that I’m too full to eat any actual food.
• Work through lunch? I don’t even work through work.
• I want to be treated like a queen. Just not Marie Antoinette.
• I wasn’t going to do anything today…..and so far I’m right on schedule!
• Sometimes wouldn’t you like to just put the whole day in your toilet……and then flush!
• Isn’t it a little embarrassing to live in a country started by people who buckled their hats?
• Wipe your mouth, there’s still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
• I’m ready to listen. . . are you ready to think?
• Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable. . . like a coma.
• Never go to bed angry. . . stay up and plot your revenge!
• Have a nice day! (someplace else)
• Don’t believe everything you think.
• Well aren’t you just the most adorable black hole of need.
• Shhhh. . .that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.
• Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
• I don’t know what your problem is. . . but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
• Don’t make me use UPPERCASE.
• If you have something to say raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
• Before you came along we were hungry. . . now we’re fed up!
• You’re not yourself today…I noticed the improvement immediately!
• Would you like some cheese to go with that whine????
• I’m busy now can I ignore you some other time???
• Don’t let your mind wander. . . it’s too small to be let out on its own.
• You really are as pretty as a picture. . . I’d like to hang you.
• I’d like to give you a going-away present…first, do your part.
• I hear you changed your mind at last. . . what did you do with the diaper?
• I’d like to help you out. . . which way did you come in?
• There is no vaccine against stupidity!
• Life is TOO short to dance with ugly men.
• I’m going south for the winter.. actually… some parts of me… are headed there already!
• I think of hot-air ballooning as the most fear you’ll ever experience in a wicker basket.
• Father’s Day is a chance for dads everywhere to fall asleep on the couch in a new tie.
• I had some no-fat cheese on a pizza and it took me back…to the first time I ate paste.
• What do I want out of life? You–out of my life. Now!
• There’s a good reason why they charge so much for tickets to professional sporting events. Fans are gullible.
• You learn something new every day. Usually, how dumb yet another person is.
• I like to keep my lawn perfect–no matter how much I have to yell at the kid who cuts it.
• I love cooking outdoors! No smoke alarms!
• Softball has got to be my favorite summertime activity. I get a kick out of bald, paunchy guys who think they’re still athletes.
• Fashion magazines are society’s way of saying “If you don’t feel inadequate already, read one of these!”
• The problem with riverboat gambling is that you can’t tell if you’re queasy from losing your money or getting seasick.
• The only thing wrong with public transportation is that it involves the public.