OLD AGE JOKES or HUMOUR FOR THE CHRONOLOGICALLY GIFTED

Friday

GRANDMA HAS A COMPUTER

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox',
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan', and 'Paste' her,
And send her back to me.

Golden Years Humor

Wednesday

CAR KEYS AND THE GOLDEN YEARS

Enjoyed this cute story about getting old!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal pat down. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered;(I always call him "honey" in times like these.)

"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

Yep it's the golden years...

Golden years!!!

Golden Years Humor

Hanging by my boob

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."

I did too soooo.. I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.

I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

“Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, ‘Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?’ Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity, with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass, when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off! Belinda said, ‘Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.’ Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba, or possibly Earl, asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, "Case Dismissed".

When you stop laughing, click on SHARE and let the rest of our "sisters" laugh.

Golden Years Humor

Tuesday

Words Of Wisdom From the Aged

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less grey hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love..... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think.. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!