Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis
Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis
Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
Golden Years Humor
New Technology
I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could
borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' she said. 'We don't waste money on
newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
Well I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.
Golden Years Humor
