Sunday
Saturday
Monday
Great Truths!
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. We need all the preservatives we can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. We need all the preservatives we can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?
Well here is the answer:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just the two of them. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, Papa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single a--hole, stupid basta--, or dumb sh-- anywhere we went today!"
Well here is the answer:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just the two of them. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, Papa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single a--hole, stupid basta--, or dumb sh-- anywhere we went today!"
Sunday
Tooth Fairy
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
Saturday
One, Two, Three, Four
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."
Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,
turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."
Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,
turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
Bad Memory
One elderly couple is visiting another for supper. The two women go into the kitchen for a moment, leaving the men to talk.
One of the men says to the other, "The Mrs. and I went to the nicest restaurant last night."
"Is that right?" the other inquires, "What was it called?"
"That's just it," he replies "I can't recall. "Say, what's the name of that red flower that has thorns all over it?"
"A rose?" he responds.
"YEAH, THAT'S IT!" he says energetically.
He then whirls around and yells into the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night!?"
One of the men says to the other, "The Mrs. and I went to the nicest restaurant last night."
"Is that right?" the other inquires, "What was it called?"
"That's just it," he replies "I can't recall. "Say, what's the name of that red flower that has thorns all over it?"
"A rose?" he responds.
"YEAH, THAT'S IT!" he says energetically.
He then whirls around and yells into the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night!?"
80 year old checkup
80 year old checkup
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Lucky Day
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed", she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. she did.
He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk."
"Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came today"
"Breast fed", she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. she did.
He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk."
"Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came today"
Sharing a Meal
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
Seniors
Seniors
A group of senior citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:
“My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive!”
“My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive!”
3 Old Ladies
3 Old Ladies
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Thursday
To the smart women I know and love!
To the smart women I know and love!
 With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!  |
Must be where 'Smart Ass' came from! |
OLD BALD GUY!
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old.
Well, if you have, enjoy this one.
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall,
which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my High School class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan park High School. “Yes, yes I did. I’m a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride. “When did you graduate?” I asked. He answered, “In 1975, why to you ask?” “You were in my class!” I exclaimed. He looked at me closely,
THEN THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, “WHAT DID YOU TEACH????”
Wednesday
A THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND!
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Will I live to be 80???
Here’s something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”
“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said
He looked at me and said,….
‘Then, why do you even give a crap?
Grandpa's on the porch again
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said “Well…last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.
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